A List of Thankfulness

What I'm thankful for..:

-my awesome and all-mighty God -my amazing, yet dorky family including my witty mother, my insane father, my obnoxious brothers, my hilarious sisters, my loving grandma, and my awkward yet hysterical cousins and aunt and uncle  -my crazy best friend, actually all my friends -my boo :) -my school and everyone in it including the teachers -how ridiculously close my family is -my new car :) -wrestling AND football cheerleading -ALL the children in my family(there's a lot) -my summer job -being raised with good morals and high standards -being raised to love everything I do and try my hardest in whatever I'm doing -my dogs (even though they're extremely annoying) -the 15 years I got with my grandpa and with that how blessed I was to have such and amazing, intelligent grandfather -my country and all the soldiers who fought and died for it -the people who have jobs that nobody else wants and put up with the crap they get for it -sunrises and sunsets -having a roof over my head and food on the table -not knowing what it feels like to be cold and hungry -the first snowfall -the first day of summer -going to a school where the teachers actually care about you and get to know you on a more personal level -all the superficial items that I have in my life that a lot of people may not have -CAPPUCCINOS -summer nights -being able to rap Look At Me Now ;) -my youth group -long road trips -being raised in a small town -my uncanny ability to make people laugh or smile when they're down :) -artists and composers of music that get me through tough times -clothes and shoes -shopping -malls -make-up -EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WE HAVE THAT GOD HAS GIVEN US

Inadequacy

Senior year is supposed to be the year where you can just slack, but I chose to stray from that tradition. My class schedule is loaded. I don't have a study hall my entire senior year. I'm taking Spanish 4, government, calculus, AP chem, college comp, physics, PE  and band. I thought it through my junior year, and I told myself that I could do this. I told myself that I'm smart; I've always had good grades. The lowest grade I've ever had on my report card is a B! But all my feelings changed this year due to one or two classes.

My class load is not only tremendous, but it is difficult. Right now, I really feel like I can't do this. I don't know why I got myself into this. In calculus, for example, I have always been good at math! ALWAYS. And now I feel inadequate, like I can't do anything. In my current math class, I feel stupid. I can't comprehend things like I used to be able to. I got the lowest score I've every gotten on a test this year. I have the lowest grade I have ever had right now, and I'm lucky that it's on a college grading scale. I work my butt off, I do my homework, I take good notes, and I pay attention in class, but none of it works. I'm want to give up, I really do. But I know if I give up, I will regret it later.

The feeling of being inadequate is probably one of the worse feelings ever. And it doesn't just apply to school. I can be related to people, too. Being in a family where you have parents or older/younger siblings that are brilliant at certain things that you can't do, is where someone would most likely feel inadequate. In a relationship or with friends, you may not feel good enough because maybe they're prettier, or smarter, or better at sports. You might feel inadequate there. I know I have plenty of times. Although a lot of people have probably felt inadequate in a family, I've gotten lucky and was born in a family where nobody feels inadequate. We are all equal and embrace each others flaws, we lift each other up when they're down, we can talk to each other about anything. I guess I've gotten lucky with that.

My family and God are the only things that are getting me through this feeling. I know I can trust both of them and go to both of them with anything. I also know that God would not have me do something that he knows I couldn't do. Because I'm taking all of these classes, that means God knows that I can do this and he will help me every step of the way. I may not do as well as I would like to do, but I'm doing the best I can and that's all that matters, right?

I can do this. 

Forever & Always

One depressing post. That's all I'm doing. Please refrain from judging. I'm not posting this for people to feel sorry for me at all. This is my blog for my feelings. If that makes you uncomfortable, then feel free to leave. 

Forever & Always; 

A phrase commonly overused in relationships, yet couldn't be used enough in families. When you lose someone, either you remember all the good times you had with them, or you remember everything you didn't say to them that you now wish you would've. Two years ago to this day, I lost my grandpa. I remember the everything about the last two days I had with him. I'm not about to go into details about it because I'm sure I'd probably start crying here in class, but those most definitely were the hardest days of my life. I laid in the hospital bed with my grandpa until the nurses and my family told me I needed to go spend time with the rest of the family. I listened and went to the family room and sat there with them. I sat there with my family, and we all just stared blankly without saying a word. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence in the way that it was awkward, but it was uncomfortable in the way that you could tell immediately when you walked in the room that something was wrong. The next day, November 13, 2010, my grandpa took his last breath. I got to say goodbye, and I got to tell him I loved him, but I also had the unfortunate opportunity to watch him take his last breath. 

I spent the next couple days with my family, and I also didn't go to school for a week. The days after that are all a blur. I walked through them as if I was a ghost. People came to my grandma's house and said they were sorry for our loss and gave us food, but it didn't mean anything at the time, and I don't remember half the people that came over. But one thing I do remember is the opportunity I got to talk at his funeral. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I doing it for my grandpa, and that made it worth it. I talked about how close we were and how much I loved him and will always love him, but I'm not sure you could understand half of what I was saying between my sobs. I had my family there with me to help me be strong and tell me I could do it and express that I'm doing something that many, many people could never fathom doing, especially for a fifteen year old. 

What I'm getting at with this whole story is to never think you that you can tell someone you love them too much. When you leave your house, tell your mom and dad you love them. Before you hang up the phone on your grandma or grandpa, tell them you love them. Text your cousin, your aunt, your uncle, or even your best friend and tell them you love them. Don't be afraid to use the words forever or always. Let them know how much they mean to you because some day, you might not get the opportunity to tell them again.

I'll love you forever, I'll miss you for always. As long as I'm living, my best friend you'll be. <3

The Cliché "About Me"

This first post is supposed to be all about and to be completely honest, I feel incredibly awkward just talking about myself. So, I guess I'll just start with my name? Madison Kae Bates. Most people call me Maddie, but a small number of people call me Madison. My mom chose this name because she thought it was special and it wasn't a very popular name, but now I know like seven other people who have the same name. My family means the world to me even though it's crazy messed up. I have a mother, a step-father, a biological father, two step brothers, and two half sisters. I don't really know my biological father, so I don't even think of him as my father. I look at my step dad like a biological dad and all my brothers and sisters as if they're full blood related. I'm a senior in high school and I am involved in band, jazz band, cheer leading (wrestling and football), key club, youth group, and many other church activities. I have a love for volunteering. I also have a Tumblr and, to be quite honest, I absolutely love blogging and I'm super excited for this! It's my favorite!